Big Macintosh Contemplates His Life
by Homage
Summary: Big Macintosh tells his friend about his problems and how he feels. He tells about his life and how he grew up the gentle, caring stallion he is, and how others don't see it.


**Big Macintosh Contemplates His Life**

**By Homage**

Ah... nothin' beats relaxing after a hard day's work. This season's harvest is comin' along nicely. All the apples are just fallin' right off the trees, all red and juicy-like. I remember two in particular. They were huge, the biggest, reddest apples I seen all season. They came off as a pair, falling right into the basket nicely. But the tree looked somehow sadder, less complete, with those two apples gone... I sniffed a little, for my parents.

I was only a tiny colt when they passed, barely even had my cutie mark. Applejack don't remember much from back then. I guess she's lucky. I can remember Momma's apple slices cutie mark, the way she tied up her mane, even her smell. Cinnamon... And Pops... He used to tuck me in every night and tell me not to be scared of the dark, to be a strong stallion. And even when the lights turned out, and I watched that apple cider cutie mark disappear out my bedroom door, I wasn't afraid. Nothing could get me when Pops was right next door, watching over me.

It's funny, I don't remember Applejack or Apple Bloom ever being afraid of the dark. It amuses me that the "strong" one in the family was the scaredy-colt, the one always hiding behind Momma. It would, therefore, be a surprise that I didn't even shed a single tear when Momma and Pops left us. I just didn't know how to to deal with it. A few days after the accident, I woke up after a horrible nightmare. I sprinted into my parent's room, but found it empty. I went back to my room and cried the whole night. Nopony was there to comfort me. I was all alone...

Granny Smith took care of us, alright, but she was absolutely no substitute for our parents. She was pretty strict, bein' all old-fashioned and such, and she usually spanked us if we misbehaved. Even though we always had it coming, I still resented her for it. My foalhood friend Caramel said his mom never hit him. She just grounded him instead. That seemed less appealing to me, though. I needed to be able to get out of the farm sometimes. I love apples and all, but there are a lot of other things in life.

Besides, Granny couldn't hit so hard on account of bein' so old, and it never left any marks because my flank was already red (hehe). But it still was embarassin', especially when company was over (that's right, Granny would spank me in front of my friends). I learned real quickly not to mouth off to her. I usually just kept quiet and out of the way most of the time, just respondin' to her questions with "Eyup" and "Enope". I guess that habit just stuck.

Most ponies know I'm a big, strong stallion of few words. Some even go as far as to call me simple, because I don't ever say much. They might even go on to assume that not much thinking or feeling goes on beyond my occasional "Eyup" or "Enope". They couldn't be more wrong.

Besides Applejack and Apple Bloom, I don't think _anypony_ knows how sensitive I am. Most would just assume "Oh, Big Macintosh is strong and tough, he can handle anything life throws at him." I'll handle it, alright. I'll smile and pretend it doesn't bother me. They won't see me go back to my room that night and cry, hugging my Smarty Pants doll while I sob my problems to her. If anypony knew that I did that, I would be real embarrassed. I might even break down on the spot. Oh, sure, Apple Bloom took that picture and put it in the school newspaper once, but so much of that was garbage that nopony really believed any of it anyway. I mean really... Rainbow Dash getting a hooficure? That's impossible to believe.

Those Cutie Mark Crusaders can never get anything right. Especially that time they tried to get Cheerilee and myself to fall in love. I thought at least Apple Bloom would know better than that. You think she would have noticed that I never bring mares home. I've never really fancied them.

I went on a date with a mare only once. I was in high school. Her name was Sunshine Violet. She came up to me after chemistry class and told me I was cute and she wanted to go on a date. I didn't want to disappoint her, so I just said "Eyup". We met up at the movies to go see "The Glue Factory". I got so scared that I fell out of my seat several times and couldn't stop screaming.

Sunshine was real embarrassed and we never talked to each other again. She didn't tell anypony what happened, so I guess she wasn't so bad. But she was looking for somethin' I didn't have. I just wasn't the big, brave stallion she was hoping for. Funny how my sister has the qualities most ponies assume I have (except the stallion part, of course).

I wonder how AJ's doin' right now. She's probably out helpin' her friends or something. Lucky AJ... she has lots and lots of friends. I don't have nearly enough. Let's see, not includin' AJ, AB, and Granny, that's Smarty Pants, Caramel, Cheerilee... Just three. And I haven't talked to Caramel since... well, last Winter Wrap-Up I guess. He loses those grass seeds every year, hehe... Caramel's pretty smart, even if he tends to forget a few things.

I wonder what will happen once he gets to Granny Smith's age. Will he remember me? I can only hope so. I know Cheerilee won't forget me. She may be a schoolteacher and all, but she actually ain't much older than I am. But we ain't never been more than friends. Heh, I'm kind of glad I don't remember that time we both drank love poison. I'm very fond of Cheerilee, but definitely not in that way.

Besides, if I had to fall in love, it would not with a sweet, nice mare like Cheerilee; it would have to be a strong stallion who could protect me. He wouldn't need to be physically strong, but have a strong spirit. Twilight's brother caught me checking him out once. If he weren't married... and into mares... Who am I kidding? I would never have a chance. Somepony as handsome as him could have any stallion he wanted. Why me? I'm too weak for him.

I guess all I can do is talk to you, Smarty Pants. You're such a good listener... and a great friend. You don't judge me, or make assumptions about me, or make fun of me. *sniff* I love you. Good night.


End file.
